Friday, March 21, 2014

Choices,Change and Growth…..

2013.....What a year, heart wrenchingly, life altering, joyful and extremely hard….CHANGE.

This journey I am on, evokes thought, movement from within.
An indescribable yearning, but also emptiness, a yearning for what could cure this empty cup.

What does the inside of my cup look like?

What does this fleeting life have in store for ME?

What does God want for ME? With ME?

What does that word even mean.....ME?

Who am I ? Who did God create me to be?  What do I enjoy? What is my purpose? What is my passion?

All of these questions are things that I have wrestled with over the years. I have a great life, one I wouldn't trade for anything.....but still, I yearn for more. I believe that God is expecting more, much much more.

I expect more! My heart yearns for more. I have a deep longing to be more, to do more, to do less, not in my skin but in my soul.

I want what God put me here for. What my "perfect" image looks like?

What can I do that will glorify him to the utmost?

What special talents, gifts, resources do I possess? How do they fit in his plan?

*These are thoughts that have been roaming my brain and heart for awhile now, I found this random post I drafted on the eve of the New Year. I have missed blogging, missed the process of my own thoughts being formed into words and recorded into a semi-organized form. My thoughts tend to swirl in my mind and overwhelm me, affecting my heart and my attitude.

I know this sounds like a really depressing post, but really It ISN'T! It is victory, Victory over fear, victory over the failure in my life that is only failure because I DIDN'T try!

I am ready for Change! I am ready for Growth! I am excited for failure because it will mean that I tried, I invested myself in something, and boy howdy am I ready for those sweet sweet successes! I am ready to have a relationship with Jesus that is deeper than ever because all of these new thoughts are products of the truth finally settling and imprinting on my soul, in my heart. He is mine and I am his, and no amount of doing more in myself will make me happy. No matter how well I carry out my organizational plans or how perfect my house looks or how cute my clothes are or how in shape I get. It won't get me there. God has a plan for me, and I know that organization, cleanliness, and fitness all play a huge role in that plan because yes those things resignate in me. I do want all of those things… I want them badly….. BUT I have to quit trying to make myself happy all on my own! Control…must relinquish control. HA!  I have to let go of the patterns of my past because lets face it, they just plain don't work! I TRY hard, I DO great for awhile and then it happens, I get all perfectionist on myself and then I try to do more...and more….and more….and be better….and better…….AAAAAND then I get behind, burnt out, discouraged, and things fall down around me. UGH. Big giant UGH. I am choosing to love myself just as Jesus would through this process, knowing that he is mine and I am his and that if I know that I am doing my very best at that moment even though things are not going as well as I want or envision it is more than enough for that moment. I am choosing to have the courage to FAIL, or fall short, because that's right, He is mine and I am his. :)

I don't know where this will lead as far as blogging goes but for today I wanted to form words from my thoughts and that's enough for today.

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